No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.

I bow before you Mr. Nathaniel Hawthorne, in all respect and admiration for no truer words have been spoken before!!!

"Oh I'm sorry. Did my back hurt your knife?"

Do not ask me to elaborate on this quote, because I guess that would be opening the door to the public just a bit too much.
All, I can is. This quote actually expressed all the emotions I felt and I'm glad that it came to me.

The One

There are at this moment 6,79,37,36,978 people in the world. Now I am not a people person. I need my space and I value my independence fiercely. All I need is 1. from that 6 billion options, all I really need is 1. the one whom I will love and cherish forever and always. the feelings will definetly be mutual ofcourse(fingers crossed). But that one is all I or you need.
Just one, to have to call as mine. 1

John Steinbeck once wrote “It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live for our death brings no pleasure on the world."

You've Got to go There To Come Back

John Steinbeck once wrote “What a frightening thing the human is, a mass of gauges and dials and registers, and we can read only a few and those perhaps not accurately.”

My three years of studying, will come to an end on 12th of April 2008. what I have learned on this three year trip is what John Steinbeck wrote, holds true in every sense of the word. To have gone through a roller coaster ride for 833 days, and to truly understand every word written by him, is not a shocking revelation. It is more like an acceptance of everything that has occurred. An immediate understanding of all the events which left you perplexed and confounded, seem answered by the quote.
College years, if I would call mine those, are more about learning the ins and out of human behaviour than actually the bookish knowledge that is etched in our brains by monotonous and mundane voice of our esteemed professors. You constantly find your own kind in a large group, someone who shares your interest, thoughts, ideas, but more importantly, someone who shares your fears, insecurities.
Then out of darkness that suddenly creeps on to you, things start to haywire. Signals are misread and a warning called MIS_COMMUNICATION is put up along with MISUNDERSTANDING.
Reason and patience take a backseat during these times. Emotions are running high. Swears and oaths are being. Old alliances are forgotten and new ones are formed on the pattern of either of revenge or loneliness.
Mine becomes mine? You’ll becomes mine?

Confusion reigns supreme.

Thoughts scattered along with feelings are slowly picked up one by one. Scattered so far and away that picking them up along the way, you start to wonder is it worth all the back and bowing that I m doing?
You look up for confirmation and you realize that the person you knew and for whom you are doing all the work, the effort to make things go back to the way we were, is not there.

Steinbeck once wrote “What a frightening thing the human is, a mass of gauges and dials and registers, and we can read only a few and those perhaps not accurately.”

And if you belong to that group of people blessed by the guy sitting up there, then you actually find them, on the floor with you helping you in picking up what you have scattered of yourself.

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall, Who is That I See

Have you ever looked into the mirror to just have a stranger stare right back at you? Where has this person, who looks remarkably like you, come from?
The person you see in the mirror is nothing but just a mere reflection of what you can be or not. To look at yourself without any bias, and to analyse your actions in the most critical way possible, conveys a sense of strong meaning to yourself. To stay and fight instead of turning back, is the most bravest act of human kind. To fight your battles wisely with brains and not brawns is something rare among mankind.
To realize that along with your reflection in a glass pane or a window, is one among the millions living on this planet. Glimpsing their reflections while they run scared, as they toil to do good selflessly, try to fight evil with all the hope and faith they can garner, trying to figure where the next step will they them. Some just trying to live upto their expectations, some… just struggling to live their life.
Have you ever looked into the mirror to just have a complete stranger stare right back at you?
Where did this person come from?
I have a theory. The person was always there inside of you. It lay hidden like a sure but powerful force. It emerged when you were challenged with something you had never experienced before. The inner strength as you may call it. The stranger you see, is just the new you, someone you will recognize if only open your eyes and see.

Time Won't Let Me Go!

ever tried running away from your past. It's not easy is it?. The way at times, the moment you least expect it, it sneaks on you like a long lost friend you wished you had rather not made aquaintance with in the past. Like the sudden blanket of darkness which envelopes you when the electricity goes away abruptly. I mean for a few seconds, you are paralysed(admit it people!!!). Then the brain releases the adrenalin and you begin, searching in the darkness, groping your way through the inky black atmosphere, to catch and hold on to whatever you can, trying not to trip and fall, or embarass yourself. Your every sense on red alert, your ears strained to limit to shriek or hide at the slight possibility of any sound.
I mean that's what I experience, when I suddenly see my past just land, *Here I am* with the whole Chershire Cat grin!!.
I am not embarrased about my past(just one thing though. I'm not mentioning it because I really do not want to even remotely remember that year, ugh!!). I believe my mistakes and the fact that I have learned from them have made me the person that I am today. and truth be told, I love the ME that I'm now. Agreed I still have a long way to go in becoming whom I am supposed to be, but the product so far is fantabulous according to my friends(although my crictics would pounce on this).
What I mean to say is, the past will never ever completely go away. It just stays hidden for a while, like how lies do. And then , it comes out, just like that for no reason sane enough to understand. But, its okay. The past is what defines you, mdoels you into your present which sets the standards for the future you.

What Me Worry? - Anne Clark

Have I fooled you, dear?
The time is coming near when I'll give you my hand and I'll say,
"It's been grand, but... I'm out of here
I'm out of here"

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

They say there are some connections in life you make that are so strong and deep, that time and space have no impact on them whatsoever.
I had that with a friend whom I call 'nair'. She's mentioned in one of t he previous blogs. I had stopped talking to her for a reason quite honestly unknown. We then kinda drifted apart after both sides shed tears and a lot of time thinking 'what the hell just happened?'.
then after a year, at my ex's b'day party, after i consumed a two drinks and she one, i asked her outright, "Why did you stop talking to me?", she replied, "I stopped talking to you because you stopped talking to me". I retorted sort of angrily, that "I stopped talking to you because you first stopped talking to me that's why".
after this rather enlightening conversation (i m sure the drinks played a very important role in this), we just laughed like two crazy convicts from a mental asylum and hugged each other to rather astonished and bemused crowd of our friends.
this IV"S, we bonded more than before. I would like to believe that crossing that river near Jim Corbett was like a metaphor about us, leaving the bank of kiddish thoughts and wading through knee deep cold cold water and shreiking when our feet touched those slime covered stones and gushing water current to the othere side of matureness. Being adult enough to forgive and forget and realise it doesn't matter who stopped talking to who first. but rather what matters is the fact that, both started to talk to each other at the same time.
like Navjot our common friend quoted when she saw both of us in the middle of the river figuring the most least slime covered stone to put our feet on, " I saw both of you'll together and I was like, okay... both the free spirited adventure junkies are together. Only laughter can follow now."

people wonder, how come two friends who didn't speak to each other for an entire one year, sudenly hug and talk like nothing ever transpired in those 365 days that they missed.

I smile and so does she, because, its one of those quiet things that no one ever will understand or rather knows. :-)

hey nair, here's to more happy and sad days for our friendship

"My Favorite Mistake"

This is not an ode to my mistake. It's my bitter sweet friendship cum love story with this boy as I call him, because thats the maturity level that he has. Certain lyrics in the song say it all(along with some other songs as well). anyways its kinda of surprising that songs can actually mean what you exactly want to say to a person with the same passion that you want them to know so... its win win for me
the guy found out that I call him this, "My Favourite Mistake" that hurts him and I ...


"My Favorite Mistake"

I woke up and called this morning
The tone of your voice was a warning
That you don't care for me anymore
I made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep in
It's 6 a.m. and I'm alone

[Chorus:]
Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I was just beginning
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake

Your friends are sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But I'm no fool to this game
here comes your secret lover
She'd be unlike any other
Until your guilt goes up in flames
[Chorus:]
Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I'd gotten used to spending
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

Well maybe nothin' lasts forever
Even when you stay together
I don't need forever after
It's your laughter won't let me go
So I'm holding on this way

Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one
That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong
Did you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

"What Have I Done to Deserve This?"

I asked my self this question repeatedly after a going through an extremely painful and devasting break up.
The answer, it still eludes me to this day. I mean all I did was Love this boy back who loved or loves(?) me. That was all I did.
I believe in the adage that 'whatever happens, always happens for the good, even thought we may not see it then. I went through all the requiste stages that one goes through, when one suffers a terrifying blow to the heart.
Denial, Anger, Bargainning, Depression and finally Acceptance.
Its a much faster process, when you have friends supporting you and showing you the freaking light at the end of the tunnel. who call him names to cheer you up. who promise to beat the shit out of him or screw his case, if tries anything or does anything(like following you with his eyes around the room) on you. (i love you guys!!! muah)

the answer to my question, i still haven't gotten it. So, I figured, might as well leave. if Maturity is absent in certain people then its not my problem, but theirs.

the messy love triangle can so go on without me now. I have better things to do in life. the bigger picture is what I m interested in. You both can literally f**k the shit out of each other, but don't you dare pull me into it again!!!