its pure vent and nothing else, so please ignore it

Ever feel left out even in a room full of people you know and don't know. Been a part of a group for a project but actually feel more like an intruder or a lone ranger than anything else.
It's like they all know the answers to the six honest men, but you are still just managing to find your foot and trying to keep it off the grass.
The forced politeness, I still haven't grasped or understood that concept. I hope to though.
The quizzical look on their face when you try to communicate with them, the zero effort on their part to even rememebr your name, its not that dificult once you actually try to make the effort to remember it, like I have for your's.
The surprise noise and shock and awe on finding out that none of their preconieved notions and prejudices were true(i'll grant them some though), whereas all my worst fears have come true.
They rattle me like no one has ever rattled me before.
Maybe I have given a hasty judgement in my kangaroo court, or maybe it's just me.(god I hope not, hehe)

"Brave New World"

Here is how it goes, when all is said and done back at home, you leave the place and cross the sea to find a new world. The new world... full of its rules and strangers, beckons you with such great promises, expectations, and most importantly, a new lease, a wave of fresh air.

No matter how scared, no

matter how lost, or how disoriented you are, the new beginning, is just what you need, to discover yourself, your strnghts and weakness, your good and bad and the worst...

The brave new world, its there, everyone has teh ship, with the mast up and sail flying in the wind.

You are the master of your fate, the captain of your ship, you just have to drop anchor, thats all.

Timing is Everything

Ever had the feeling that you were the only person in the world who was going through some major crisis and nobody else was going through it. I used to know a lot of people like that, I called them narcissists.
Bout two weeks ago, roughly, I mean who's counting the days!! I felt like that. Now I know what you all are thinking, I am not like them(DB swear). But, i was just worried about not getting a seat in the train leaving with all my future plans which I tried and worked so hard on. I felt as I was the only one waiting, a feeling experienced by the population.
But then, today, a realisation came upon me. I was at this seminar and well ,there many like me, who were also playing the waiting game I like was. So, i wasn't the only lazy one or the sacred one there. Sure, there were others who had gone through the finer details of every document twice or thrice over, but there were others like me who stilll didn't have all their documents. That gave me so much comfort!!!
What I realised from this is this... you can't rush things. You really can't because what I realised was that there is a time and place for everything.

Where does all this end?

This whole journey that we are a part of. Born to tread on the already carved, mapped and laid out path. The signs are missing and directions are a plenty. Roadblocks are a natural to the path, with smooth open roads present after every.
You strike up mutual admiration with fellow travelers, some stick with you till the very end, others take a different path, some lead you down the easy path, others, bring you back to the hard path, the right one. Many will smile when they want to froen at you, others will smile with only you around.
At the red signal you wait, to observe the going-ons around you. To just sit atill and watch. These signals are rare, enjoy the moment.
After eons of walking time, understanding, loving, hating, enjoying, grieving etc. you come to your pit stop. Thinking it to be the end of all. But, oh how wrong you are?
It doesn’t end here. It doesn’t anywhere. It continues. You might not be alive anymore, but life moves on. You cease to exist in your physical form of course. But you will still live on, in forms of memories, in photos, videos, letters, incidents, traditions, momentos. But more importantly you continue your journey in the hearts and minds of your loved ones. You live on forever, in a way of course.
All this, never ends.

The Bitter Pill

There are certain instances in life from which the hurt thrust upon you, you want to feel it. No matter how painful it is. That feeling which at best can’t be described, is also always very difficult for people to share. For me, it is more embarrassing then difficult, because there are these certain perceptions which people have of me, and I somehow feel the responsibility of upholding it. (lame?)
Talking about the problem will help you figure it out and rid of it in a way. That’s what friends are for. To help you get out of a problematic quicksand one pull at a time.
But, I want to feel the hurt, the pain. Almost hear my heart crack a little, grasping with the fact that my mind’s gone numb with the news, coming to terms with the realization that no matter how much you love, trust and care about the person, it’s of no use to think about then if they do not feel the same way about you.
The betrayal small or big) makes us realize that, it hurts yes, but. At least the truth is out in the open. And the truth, what they say about it is true, it hurts like hell.

People Always Leave

People always leave. They have to I think. People come into our lives with an expiry date. Isn’t it always good to enjoy the thing before its expiration date. Because later on, it becomes disgusting, the whole relationship just sees to be dragging, there only for its namesake and nothing else.
Once they leave, they don’t take anything with them and go. They leave it all behind for us to sieve through it, to separate the happy from the sad, the angry from the joy, the rubbish from the gold. We finally, after a lot of thought-provoking actions and reactions realize that, ‘whatever happens, happens for the good’.
We get back into the chaos of things, make new connections, establish trust, life becomes all rainbows and sunshine for us again with new friends. Then the f**k-up happens, the people who left or where thrown out, now want back in.
There you are standing in the middle of time being pulled both towards the future and the past. Which one is it? How do you know that the step taken is being taken in the right direction?

White Night

How can you miss something when it does not even belong to you? It wasn’t mine or anyone else’s to begin with. It was just there. A glance which became a moment frozen for eternity in the deep recess of my mind. A moment in which everything is forgotten but everything is remembered. Emotions breaking like the waves, sweeping you off your feet (figuratively speaking of course). The myriad of emotions contrast each other like ‘Yes’ and ‘No’.
The moon at 12:47 am on 4th of May was painfully beautiful. The glow which surrounded it, made it seem all soft and pure. But untouchable and unreal at the same time. It’s dreamlike hypnotic rays drew me in its glow. I felt like an angel sitting under its effervescent glow. Gazing at it made everything seem worthwhile.
It made me wan to cry and smile at the same time.
I could have passed eternity with you, but like all good things, it disappeared away with time. And that hurt. It hurt because I knew I couldn’t see the same moon again. My moon as I know it, had gone. Its moment in my life over.
There will of course be more, many actually, not countable. But one will compare to this.
Sounds stupid, but. Stupid is as a stupid does.
I’ll tell you why it made me happy, because at that moment in time, that image of the moon became more than an image. It became an memory of something which made you smile when everything else which belonged to you made you frown.
I miss my painfully beautiful moon and that one tiny star located to its left diagonally.

I Think We Should Be Strangers

I still don’t get it why some people have this inane desire and need to know what is happening in my life.
The good is not handled well by them at all, every change is dissected till nothing is left, every decision is being gossiped about, every step is marked and followed by a close and keen eye, every word remembered to be thrown back at every opportunity presented with, every new relationship questioned.
What gets under my skin is that ‘If I am not poking my nose in your affairs, then why are you poking you Aquarian noses in my life. I am not even remotely interested in yours. But you still want to know. Why??!!

My friend reasoned, “Curiosity”. I snap back, “When will it kill them?”

Playing the Waiting Game

Apparently it's been a long time since my last post, and well the few that read are questionning my lack of words on the web portal.

When I was a kid, I would enjoy this game called 'Stuck in the Rut'. I mean you all know the game so.. i am not bothering with the rules. I used to love that game because when touched, I was immobile, I couldn't move a muscle until someone touched me again and freed me. I would take that time to rest from the hectic nonsense running away from the denner that would happen in course of a game so... yeah.

Well, the thing is that is exactly where I am right now. I am stuck.. in a rut. Just stuck, with absolutely nothing to do. Its like the waiting period now. the seeds have all been sown, and I am now just waiting for them to reap I guess.

And let me tell you something, it sucks! So much that maybe even the known power of the black hole might just fail in its comparrison with it. To just sit and wait for your future to start churning its wheels with you having nothing more to contribute can really put any one with some amount of grey matter in their head out of their normalcy pretty much easily.

Life becomes like one of those monotonous 9 to 5 jobs, where every action of yours is timed so accurately by the clock, that depending on the action performed, you can tell the time of the day. Days of the week are known by the shows being shown on television(sad really... I know). I have been watching those really lame ass programmes on the Disney Channel sic Hannah Montanna( by god that girl is irritating,!!), Life with Derek (which is kinda of funny)Even watched half an hour of High School Musical 2!!. It was then, I realised, that I am truly truly bored beyond my wildest belief and as bored as I can ever be.But's all I can do now, just wait... wait for life to begin again, for the messiness, the troubles, the fun, the laughter, the roller coaster ride and everything thrown in between.

And it's not like I am doing nothing. Because it's quite impossible to do nothing because if you are doing nothing, you will eventually be called for something which will lead you to do that something and well... then you are actually doing everything that you were called for, so yeah...

Makes Sense

"Life is one long insane trip. Some people just have better directions." - Donnie Darko

Funeral Blues

I was watching the movie, Four Weddings and a Funeral.( effing hilarious by the way. I reccomend to everyone that it has to be watched. it can sure brighten up your day. british comedy at its best). anyways i was suppoed to be umm.. *studying*.. anyways, there is a funeral scene (yup) and this character in a form of a eulogy, recites this poem by Auden, and I mean I was completely blown away. I mean the poem literaaly speaks from the heart of the griever, trying to convey to world that you'll will never know the true meaning of the word loss unless of course you have experienced it yourself(not necessarily death here okay..). Because Loss has to be felt, you can't read about it or talk about it or whatever.

I just thought I should share it you with those very very few people who visit my blog to read my thoughts (invasion of privacy!!!!!, I know my rights, yes I do. Its a topic in Press Laws and Ethics. See i was studying then...). anyways, here is this poem, read and smile or weep whichever you fancy, all I will say is it will soo make you think...

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden

Thanks For The Memories

You know when suddenly something was a major part of your life is gone, you feel this big gaping void just weighing empty on your head and heart. You do not know what to do with it, so you just stare at it blankly day after day, waiting for something to come and fill it up. But, if you belong to that club of over-achievers, then it is just anothere void to be filled with your countless gold varnished trophies.
I do not sound to a hypocrite and all, but I couldn't just wait for my college years to end you know. I mean, yeah it had the good times and all but now, well its over... and I'm missing it. The college phase of my life is slowly but surely and steadily getting over and I.... do not know what to do about it. the poem (a few lines scribbled and picked from here and there) in a way sums up exactly how I feel. My college life is over.. as I know.

Remember how freely we laughed,

how quietly we screamed.

how fearlessly we jumped, hopped and skipped,
how we loved without a doubt and thought.
how we swore together and forever,
in joys and wrath.
how easily we bled,
how quickly we get back up.
how we sang and danced for the public
how we hid from those who mattered.
how we'd defend for those who thought we were lost,
how we'd hug anyone who fit the need,
and love was seriously scattered and shared all over the creed.
let's remeber the first time for the last time.
because its not coming again for...

There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.
- Shakespeare

No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.

I bow before you Mr. Nathaniel Hawthorne, in all respect and admiration for no truer words have been spoken before!!!

"Oh I'm sorry. Did my back hurt your knife?"

Do not ask me to elaborate on this quote, because I guess that would be opening the door to the public just a bit too much.
All, I can is. This quote actually expressed all the emotions I felt and I'm glad that it came to me.

The One

There are at this moment 6,79,37,36,978 people in the world. Now I am not a people person. I need my space and I value my independence fiercely. All I need is 1. from that 6 billion options, all I really need is 1. the one whom I will love and cherish forever and always. the feelings will definetly be mutual ofcourse(fingers crossed). But that one is all I or you need.
Just one, to have to call as mine. 1

John Steinbeck once wrote “It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live for our death brings no pleasure on the world."

You've Got to go There To Come Back

John Steinbeck once wrote “What a frightening thing the human is, a mass of gauges and dials and registers, and we can read only a few and those perhaps not accurately.”

My three years of studying, will come to an end on 12th of April 2008. what I have learned on this three year trip is what John Steinbeck wrote, holds true in every sense of the word. To have gone through a roller coaster ride for 833 days, and to truly understand every word written by him, is not a shocking revelation. It is more like an acceptance of everything that has occurred. An immediate understanding of all the events which left you perplexed and confounded, seem answered by the quote.
College years, if I would call mine those, are more about learning the ins and out of human behaviour than actually the bookish knowledge that is etched in our brains by monotonous and mundane voice of our esteemed professors. You constantly find your own kind in a large group, someone who shares your interest, thoughts, ideas, but more importantly, someone who shares your fears, insecurities.
Then out of darkness that suddenly creeps on to you, things start to haywire. Signals are misread and a warning called MIS_COMMUNICATION is put up along with MISUNDERSTANDING.
Reason and patience take a backseat during these times. Emotions are running high. Swears and oaths are being. Old alliances are forgotten and new ones are formed on the pattern of either of revenge or loneliness.
Mine becomes mine? You’ll becomes mine?

Confusion reigns supreme.

Thoughts scattered along with feelings are slowly picked up one by one. Scattered so far and away that picking them up along the way, you start to wonder is it worth all the back and bowing that I m doing?
You look up for confirmation and you realize that the person you knew and for whom you are doing all the work, the effort to make things go back to the way we were, is not there.

Steinbeck once wrote “What a frightening thing the human is, a mass of gauges and dials and registers, and we can read only a few and those perhaps not accurately.”

And if you belong to that group of people blessed by the guy sitting up there, then you actually find them, on the floor with you helping you in picking up what you have scattered of yourself.

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall, Who is That I See

Have you ever looked into the mirror to just have a stranger stare right back at you? Where has this person, who looks remarkably like you, come from?
The person you see in the mirror is nothing but just a mere reflection of what you can be or not. To look at yourself without any bias, and to analyse your actions in the most critical way possible, conveys a sense of strong meaning to yourself. To stay and fight instead of turning back, is the most bravest act of human kind. To fight your battles wisely with brains and not brawns is something rare among mankind.
To realize that along with your reflection in a glass pane or a window, is one among the millions living on this planet. Glimpsing their reflections while they run scared, as they toil to do good selflessly, try to fight evil with all the hope and faith they can garner, trying to figure where the next step will they them. Some just trying to live upto their expectations, some… just struggling to live their life.
Have you ever looked into the mirror to just have a complete stranger stare right back at you?
Where did this person come from?
I have a theory. The person was always there inside of you. It lay hidden like a sure but powerful force. It emerged when you were challenged with something you had never experienced before. The inner strength as you may call it. The stranger you see, is just the new you, someone you will recognize if only open your eyes and see.

Time Won't Let Me Go!

ever tried running away from your past. It's not easy is it?. The way at times, the moment you least expect it, it sneaks on you like a long lost friend you wished you had rather not made aquaintance with in the past. Like the sudden blanket of darkness which envelopes you when the electricity goes away abruptly. I mean for a few seconds, you are paralysed(admit it people!!!). Then the brain releases the adrenalin and you begin, searching in the darkness, groping your way through the inky black atmosphere, to catch and hold on to whatever you can, trying not to trip and fall, or embarass yourself. Your every sense on red alert, your ears strained to limit to shriek or hide at the slight possibility of any sound.
I mean that's what I experience, when I suddenly see my past just land, *Here I am* with the whole Chershire Cat grin!!.
I am not embarrased about my past(just one thing though. I'm not mentioning it because I really do not want to even remotely remember that year, ugh!!). I believe my mistakes and the fact that I have learned from them have made me the person that I am today. and truth be told, I love the ME that I'm now. Agreed I still have a long way to go in becoming whom I am supposed to be, but the product so far is fantabulous according to my friends(although my crictics would pounce on this).
What I mean to say is, the past will never ever completely go away. It just stays hidden for a while, like how lies do. And then , it comes out, just like that for no reason sane enough to understand. But, its okay. The past is what defines you, mdoels you into your present which sets the standards for the future you.

What Me Worry? - Anne Clark

Have I fooled you, dear?
The time is coming near when I'll give you my hand and I'll say,
"It's been grand, but... I'm out of here
I'm out of here"

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

They say there are some connections in life you make that are so strong and deep, that time and space have no impact on them whatsoever.
I had that with a friend whom I call 'nair'. She's mentioned in one of t he previous blogs. I had stopped talking to her for a reason quite honestly unknown. We then kinda drifted apart after both sides shed tears and a lot of time thinking 'what the hell just happened?'.
then after a year, at my ex's b'day party, after i consumed a two drinks and she one, i asked her outright, "Why did you stop talking to me?", she replied, "I stopped talking to you because you stopped talking to me". I retorted sort of angrily, that "I stopped talking to you because you first stopped talking to me that's why".
after this rather enlightening conversation (i m sure the drinks played a very important role in this), we just laughed like two crazy convicts from a mental asylum and hugged each other to rather astonished and bemused crowd of our friends.
this IV"S, we bonded more than before. I would like to believe that crossing that river near Jim Corbett was like a metaphor about us, leaving the bank of kiddish thoughts and wading through knee deep cold cold water and shreiking when our feet touched those slime covered stones and gushing water current to the othere side of matureness. Being adult enough to forgive and forget and realise it doesn't matter who stopped talking to who first. but rather what matters is the fact that, both started to talk to each other at the same time.
like Navjot our common friend quoted when she saw both of us in the middle of the river figuring the most least slime covered stone to put our feet on, " I saw both of you'll together and I was like, okay... both the free spirited adventure junkies are together. Only laughter can follow now."

people wonder, how come two friends who didn't speak to each other for an entire one year, sudenly hug and talk like nothing ever transpired in those 365 days that they missed.

I smile and so does she, because, its one of those quiet things that no one ever will understand or rather knows. :-)

hey nair, here's to more happy and sad days for our friendship

"My Favorite Mistake"

This is not an ode to my mistake. It's my bitter sweet friendship cum love story with this boy as I call him, because thats the maturity level that he has. Certain lyrics in the song say it all(along with some other songs as well). anyways its kinda of surprising that songs can actually mean what you exactly want to say to a person with the same passion that you want them to know so... its win win for me
the guy found out that I call him this, "My Favourite Mistake" that hurts him and I ...


"My Favorite Mistake"

I woke up and called this morning
The tone of your voice was a warning
That you don't care for me anymore
I made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep in
It's 6 a.m. and I'm alone

[Chorus:]
Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I was just beginning
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake

Your friends are sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But I'm no fool to this game
here comes your secret lover
She'd be unlike any other
Until your guilt goes up in flames
[Chorus:]
Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I'd gotten used to spending
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

Well maybe nothin' lasts forever
Even when you stay together
I don't need forever after
It's your laughter won't let me go
So I'm holding on this way

Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one
That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong
Did you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

"What Have I Done to Deserve This?"

I asked my self this question repeatedly after a going through an extremely painful and devasting break up.
The answer, it still eludes me to this day. I mean all I did was Love this boy back who loved or loves(?) me. That was all I did.
I believe in the adage that 'whatever happens, always happens for the good, even thought we may not see it then. I went through all the requiste stages that one goes through, when one suffers a terrifying blow to the heart.
Denial, Anger, Bargainning, Depression and finally Acceptance.
Its a much faster process, when you have friends supporting you and showing you the freaking light at the end of the tunnel. who call him names to cheer you up. who promise to beat the shit out of him or screw his case, if tries anything or does anything(like following you with his eyes around the room) on you. (i love you guys!!! muah)

the answer to my question, i still haven't gotten it. So, I figured, might as well leave. if Maturity is absent in certain people then its not my problem, but theirs.

the messy love triangle can so go on without me now. I have better things to do in life. the bigger picture is what I m interested in. You both can literally f**k the shit out of each other, but don't you dare pull me into it again!!!